Thanks to the cruise ship’s 18-meals-per-day policy, Pam and Lily had countless opportunities to show off their fashion prowess.
Take that, Will and Jada.
Archive for February, 2012
Voted Best Dressed Couple on the 2012 Lesbian Lovers Mazatlan Cruise
February 29, 2012Don’t Let Their Preppy Attire & Conservative Demeanor Fool You
February 28, 2012
Chandler: Works the midnight to four a.m. shift as a roller derby referee every Tuesday.
Chip, Chandler’s twin brother: Is proud that he still fits in the gold spandex costume he wore during his season as a Solid Gold dancer back in ’83.
Barry, their cousin: Operates an identity theft ring in Tucson, still bitter about the fact that Rob Lowe beat him out for the hunky yet rascally twenty-something in St. Elmo’s Fire. That role was his, he’ll tell ya…his.
Even Though Everything Quieted Down, Patsy Still Loved the Adrenalin Rush
February 27, 2012
Little Betsy was too busy making googly eyes at her tween boyfriend Tim Malarkey, but her mom Patsy and fourth grade teach Mrs. Dittmeyer heard what was going on across the room loud and clear. It was Betsy’s tween nemesis Meagan, totally dissing Betsy’s new haircut.
Mrs. Dittmeyer ~ a blonde gal from the midwest who was used to her students’ shenanigans ~ just thought, “These kids, you’d never know how sweet they really are.”
Patsy, on the other hand ~ a former member of a Sicilian girl gang in 1980s Little Italy ~ was about to go postal.
“Say one more word, little Meagan,” she thought, “Say one more word.”
Keep It Filled And No One Will Get Hurt
February 23, 2012
Lewellyn with her Captain Morgan’s: Sloppy yet manageable
Lewellyn with an empty bottle: You don’t wanna know
Evelyne Was Having a Love Affair With Her Prozac Butter
February 22, 2012
It wasn’t yet FDA approved, but But-Zac* was taking the world by storm, promising a serene mind with half the fat. Take that “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!”
* patent pending
A Typical Saturday Night in the McPeterson Household
February 21, 2012
When Serena wore silver, she felt…pretty.
When Rick poured his third scotch on the rocks for the evening, he just became a dick.
And Just Like That, She Found It Charming Again
February 17, 2012
Sometimes Jenny got irritated at Ben’s insatiable passion for bright blue cable knit cardigans. But just when she thought she couldn’t take it anymore , she’d give herself a little reminder.
“Well,” she’d remember, “It’s better than whores.”
She Never Watched A Made For TV Movie Again
February 16, 2012
After pretending to work on her paddle strokes on the private dock of the Hillcrest Country Club all morning, Ida’s opportunity to take advantage of a “chance encounter” with Fabrizio – the new Italian tennis pro with a killer tan and a set of abs she could file her nails on – arrived. She’d been practicing her “casual stance” in the mirror all week, determined not to look too interested, too desperate, or too eager to tear off her pink pom-pom hat and leap in his arms like Jessie Lynn, the cowgirl hooker with a shiny heart o’ gold in last night’s made for TV movie “Twilight Lust.”
Less than five minutes later, she walked off the deck totally deflated, mortified that in a moment of confused passion, she said, “Hey Cowboy” instead of “Ahoy Captain” and burst into tears.
Oh No They Did-Ent
February 15, 2012
Jan and Mindy couldn’t help but feel proud of their chunky cable-knit sweater ensembles – purchased together on a recent Sunday shopping spree – until Lynn and Judy walked in wearing the exact same cardigans. Always trying to one-up each other amongst the Bartlesville, Oklahoma Ladies Auxiliary (BOLA) crowd, Lynn and Judy had seen their nemeses shopping that day, followed them, and bought the exact same outfits for their Tuesday afternoon tea party.
In the midst of a conversation about their favorite tapioca pudding recipes, Jan and Mindy looked up, saw Lynn and Judy walk in giggling, and stood frozen as the whole room turned silent.
Needless to say, the tea party ended early…and in tears.
In a related note, if anyone has any information regarding the whereabouts of Charlotte McNiederson’s jello mold or Phyllis Miller’s poodle Skimbleshanks, please call BOLA Chairwoman Candy Simsteen.
There’s Nothing Worse Than Lesbian Hecklers at a Tennis Match
February 14, 2012
“Nice shot Chrissy! And I love the way your ass looks in that tennis skirt! Not to mention your nice RACKet! What’s that? The score is 15 – love? I’ve got somethin’ you can love, RIGHT HERE!”
Not One for Petty ChitChat, Betsy Gets Right Down to Brass Tacks
February 13, 2012
“Did ya monogram that sweater yourself?”
“Only after a lot of practice.”
“Wanna go get high and make out?”
Lordy Did the Girls Have a Laugh That Night!
February 10, 2012
Every time Tori walked by the g-string display at Victoria’s Secret, she couldn’t help but wax nostalgic over her days at Live! Live! Nude! Nude! back in the late 80s. Although she lost touch with her gal pals from the Saturday night shift after she got married and started a custom embroidery business, she still always got a good chuckle reminiscing about the day she slipped off the pole in the middle of her “Walk Like An Egyptian” routine and her stiletto ended up in a customer’s tequila sunrise.
Cue Sweeping Lover’s Theme Music
February 9, 2012
When Janie walked into Rick’s apartment and saw the leather harness attached to his ceiling, she could hardly believe her good fortune. Throughout their entire fondue dinner, she had agonized over how to bring up her affinity for late night re-runs of MTV’s Jersey Shore and soft core S & M.
High five match.com. High Five.
Four Days Later, Joan was Caught Making Out with the Wrestling Coach and Banned from School Property For Life
February 8, 2012
“You know Joan, I always knew you were a tramp, but now you’ve gone too far. I mean, really, making out with your daughter’s swim coach on the night of the kids’ regional championship swim meet. You cost them their chance at the state finals, Joan. The state finals.”
Renaissance Man
February 7, 2012
Chad Finklethorpe had a passion for ribbed knit sweaters, nude rock climbing, and salt water taffy (holla!)
He also had a top quality johnson.
Tonya Had No Idea What Was Coming When She Said “How Much for the Karaoke Machine?”
February 6, 2012
On their last Girl’s Day Out, Patty, Suzy and Tonya couldn’t resist ordering one more round of G & T’s before heading out to the mall. A few hours later, they talked their boys into performing an acapella rendition of N’ Sync’s Bye Bye Bye while modeling the quirky plaid pantsuits they found in the sale bin at Dillard’s.
Stephen and Kenny weren’t quite sure what to think of it, but Tommy was all over it. When he flipped off his jacket and hooked his thumb in his pocket, the moms went wild, and just like that, his dream of Broadway stardom was born.
Look out Nathan Lane – your days are now numbered.
Soul Sistas
February 3, 2012
Maude and her great aunt Bev always felt they were kindred spirits. Their shared love of Hummel figurines, peanut brittle and crafty accessories had them talking up a storm on the phone every week for as long as they could remember. But when Bev gave Maude a sequin-studded purse that matched her birthday dress perfectly, they knew they’d be connected for life.
Who says fashion is meaningless? Who, I ask ya?
Gal Pals Gone Postal
February 2, 2012
No one has any idea what Babs and Judy were whispering to each other behind the buffet table at Home Savings Bank’s Annual Employee Spring Cocktail Party. All anyone knows for certain is that five minutes after their photo was taken the dangling rhinestone “medallions” on Judy’s dress ended up in the punch bowl, Babs was sliding across the Board of Directors’ table, and novice cater waiter Kurt Dittmeyer got a black eye from a baked potato that somehow went airborne.
Good Thing Taffy’s Not Monitored by the FCC
February 1, 2012
Every once in a while, Taffy opens up these online airwaves for readers to share their thoughts on love, marriage, and good old fashioned family values. Today we’re hearing from Des Moines socialite and jewelry designer Tiffany Blingerson:
“Truth be told, I don’t give a flying &*$^.”
